25 Green Flags in a Relationship (and 12 Red Flags You Shouldn't Ignore)

Most of us can recite red flags from memory. Far fewer people can describe what a good relationship looks like on an ordinary day, which makes it easy to miss when you are in one.

Here are 25 green flags, grouped by where they show up, then the 12 red flags worth taking seriously.

How they treat you

1. They are kind when nobody is watching.
2. They remember small things you mentioned once.
3. They are happy for you when something goes well.
4. They ask about your day and listen to the answer.
5. They do what they say they will do.
6. You can say no without it becoming an argument.
7. They speak well of you to other people.

How you feel around them

8. You feel calm, not anxious, most of the time.
9. You can be silly, tired or unimpressive and still feel liked.
10. You do not rehearse what you are going to say.
11. You like who you are when you are with them.
12. You are not checking your phone for reassurance.
13. Time apart feels fine, not frightening.

How you handle conflict

14. You can disagree without anyone being insulted.
15. They can say “I was wrong” and “I'm sorry”.
16. Arguments get resolved rather than buried.
17. They take a break when things get heated, and come back.
18. Yesterday's argument is not used as a weapon today.
19. They are curious about your side, not just waiting to reply.

How they handle the rest of life

20. They have friends and interests of their own.
21. They are polite to waiters, drivers and their own family.
22. They take responsibility for their own moods.
23. They encourage your friendships and ambitions.
24. They talk about the future and you are in it.
25. Their words and their actions match.

12 red flags that matter

Some red flags on social media are just preferences. These are not.

1. Controlling who you see or making you feel guilty for seeing friends and family.
2. Checking your phone or demanding passwords.
3. Extreme jealousy presented as love.
4. Contempt: mocking, eye-rolling, name-calling.
5. Never apologising or always turning it round on you.
6. Making you doubt your memory of things that happened.
7. Love-bombing then withdrawal: intense affection that switches off as punishment.
8. Rushing commitment faster than you are comfortable with.
9. Disrespecting your no, about anything.
10. Explosive anger that leaves you walking on eggshells.
11. Controlling money or your ability to work.
12. All their exes are “crazy”. People who take no responsibility for the past rarely take it in the present.

If several of these are familiar, especially fear, control or isolation, please talk to someone you trust or a domestic abuse helpline. This is not something to fix by trying harder.

Yellow flags: worth a conversation

• Poor at replying to messages
• Different spending habits
• Goes quiet when upset
• Different social batteries
• Has not had a long relationship before

None of these is a reason to leave. Each is a reason to talk. Many come down to attachment styles, which can be worked with.

Being a green flag yourself

The list works in both directions. The most useful question is not “do they do these?” but “do I?” Pick two you could do more of this week.

The simplest test

Over time, does this relationship make your life bigger or smaller? More friends, more confidence, more calm, or less of each? Green-flag relationships expand you.

One green flag you can build on purpose is staying curious about each other: BloomingPairs asks you both one question a day, free on iPhone and Android →

Frequently asked questions

What is the biggest green flag in a relationship?

Being able to disagree safely. If you can argue, repair and feel close again, most other things can be worked out.

What is the biggest red flag?

Control: over who you see, what you spend, or what you do. Fear of your partner's reaction is never normal.

Can a red flag change?

Habits such as poor communication can improve with effort. Patterns of control, contempt or intimidation rarely change without professional help, and your safety comes first.