70 Honest Questions for Couples (and the Rules That Keep It Kind)

Asking each other honest questions can be one of the best evenings you have together, or the start of an argument that lasts until Thursday. The questions are rarely the difference. The rules are.

Here are five rules, then 70 questions in four levels. Start at level one even if you have been together for years.

Five rules that keep it kind

1. Anyone can pass. No reason needed, no sulking. A pass is information, not a refusal.
2. No follow-up interrogation. You may ask one gentle follow-up. Then it is the other person's turn.
3. Nothing gets used later. What is said in the game does not come back in an argument next week.
4. Answer for yourself. “I feel” and “I would like”, not “you always”.
5. Stop while it is still good. Twenty minutes is plenty. Ending early is how you make sure there is a next time.

Level 1: Warm-up

1. What is a small thing I do that you secretly love?
2. What was your first impression of me?
3. Which of my habits made you laugh when we first met?
4. What is your favourite ordinary moment in our week?
5. What meal of mine do you actually like best?
6. What is something you pretended to like early on?
7. When do I look happiest to you?
8. What is a song that makes you think of us?
9. What do you tell other people about me?
10. What is the most “us” thing we do?
11. What would you like us to do more often?
12. What is your favourite photo of us, and why?
13. What is something I taught you without meaning to?
14. Which trip or day out would you repeat exactly?
15. What did you think the first time you saw where I lived?
16. What is one thing about me that surprised you after a year?
17. What makes you feel at home with me?
18. What do I do that nobody else knows about?

Level 2: Us

19. When did you last feel really loved by me? What was I doing?
20. What is something I do for you that I have stopped being thanked for?
21. What do I do when I am trying to make peace? Do you notice it?
22. When do you feel you have my full attention?
23. What is one thing you wish I asked you about more often?
24. After we argue, what makes you feel we are all right again?
25. What is something you would love more of but would never ask for?
26. When do you feel most like a team with me?
27. What is one thing I say that stays with you longer than I would guess?
28. How did your family show love when you were growing up?
29. What do you think I misunderstand about you?
30. Where in our life do you feel you carry more than your share?
31. What is something I do that makes hard days easier?
32. What did I do in our first few months that you would love me to do again?
33. When do you feel furthest from me?
34. What is one habit of ours you would like to change?
35. What are you proud of us for?
36. What is the smallest thing I could do this week that would mean the most?

Level 3: Deeper

37. What are you most worried about at the moment?
38. What is something you find hard to tell me?
39. What do you need from me when you are stressed that I do not usually give?
40. When have you felt let down by me and not said so?
41. What part of yourself do you feel you have put on hold?
42. What are you afraid I think about you?
43. What do you wish I understood about your work?
44. Is there an apology you are still waiting for?
45. Is there one you think you owe me?
46. What do you miss about who we were at the start?
47. What do you like better about who we are now?
48. When do you feel lonely, even with me here?
49. What would you like me to stop trying to fix?
50. What is something you have changed your mind about since we met?
51. What do you need more of from your own life, apart from us?
52. What is a boundary you would like me to take more seriously?
53. What are you grieving that I may not have noticed?
54. What makes it hard for you to ask for help?

Level 4: Future

55. What does a good ordinary day look like for us in five years?
56. What do you want us to be better at by this time next year?
57. What is a dream you have not said out loud?
58. Where would you live if nothing was holding us here?
59. What tradition would you like us to start?
60. What would you like us to stop spending money on? Start spending on?
61. How do you want us to handle the next hard season differently?
62. What do you hope people say about us as a couple?
63. What would you like to learn together?
64. What part of getting older are you looking forward to with me?
65. What is one promise you would like us to make?
66. What would make this year feel like a good one for us?
67. What is something you want to be able to say we did?
68. What kind of partner do you want to be when things are difficult?
69. What do you want us never to stop doing?
70. What should we do next weekend?

Ways to play

• One a day. A single question over dinner does more than fifty in one sitting.
• Write, then reveal. Each write your answer before either of you speaks. It stops the second person shaping their answer around the first. This is how the daily question in the BloomingPairs app works: you write your own answer before you can see your partner's. The app also has a Truth Bomb mode, part of Premium, for the evenings when you want a game rather than a single question.
• On a walk. Side by side is easier than face to face for level three.

More formats in the couples question game, and more questions in 100 deep questions to ask your partner.

Frequently asked questions

Are honesty games good for a relationship?

With clear rules, yes. The ability to pass and the promise that nothing gets used later are what make people willing to answer truthfully.

What if an answer hurts?

Say “thank you for telling me” and leave it there for the evening. Come back to it the next day if it still matters.

What if my partner does not want to play?

Do not call it a game. Ask one level-one question on a walk and answer it yourself first.

One honest question a day

BloomingPairs, free on iPhone and Android →