How to Apologise to Your Partner: The 6 Parts of a Real Apology (+ 30 Sorry Messages)
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“I'm sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. Neither is “I'm sorry, but”. Most of us were never taught how to apologise properly, which is why so many arguments stay open for days after someone has technically said sorry.
What the research says
In 2016 a team led by Roy Lewicki at Ohio State University tested which parts of an apology people find most convincing. They identified six:
- Expression of regret (“I'm sorry”)
- Explanation of what went wrong
- Acknowledgment of responsibility (“It was my fault”)
- Declaration of repentance (“I won't do it again”)
- Offer of repair (“Here is how I'll put it right”)
- Request for forgiveness
The more of these an apology contained, the better it landed. But they were not equal. Taking responsibility mattered most, followed by the offer of repair. Asking for forgiveness mattered least, and the researchers said it is the one you can leave out.
A simple formula
“I'm sorry I [specific thing]. That was my fault. I can see it made you feel [their feeling]. Next time I will [change]. What can I do now to make it better?”
Example: “I'm sorry I snapped at you in front of your sister. That was my fault, not yours. I can see it embarrassed you. Next time I'm stressed I'll say so instead of taking it out on you. What would help right now?”
Five things that ruin an apology
- “But”. Everything before it is cancelled.
- “If”. “I'm sorry if I hurt you” questions whether you did.
- “You”. “I'm sorry you took it that way” apologises for their reaction, not your action.
- Speed. A rushed sorry to end the discomfort is felt as exactly that.
- Repeating the offence. The fifth apology for the same thing is worth nothing without a change.
When to apologise
Not in the first heated minutes. If either of you is still flooded, wait until you have both calmed down, usually twenty minutes or more. But do not leave it for days. Sooner, once calm, is better.
30 sorry messages
Short and sincere
- I'm sorry. I was wrong, and I know it.
- That was my fault. I'm sorry I hurt you.
- I've been thinking about what I said. You didn't deserve that.
- I handled that badly. I'm sorry.
- You were right, and I should have listened.
- I'm sorry for my tone. It wasn't fair on you.
- I hate that I made you feel that way.
- I let you down, and I'm sorry.
- No excuses. I'm sorry.
- Can we talk tonight? I owe you an apology.
After an argument
- I don't want to win. I want us to be okay. I'm sorry for my part.
- I got defensive instead of listening. I'm sorry.
- I said things I didn't mean. That's on me.
- I'm sorry I raised my voice. You deserve better than that.
- I was more interested in being right than being kind. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry I walked away. I should have said I needed a minute and come back.
- I kept going after I should have stopped. I'm sorry.
- You were trying to tell me something and I made it about me.
- I'm sorry for bringing up the past. That wasn't fair.
- I love you more than I care about that argument.
For something bigger
- I broke your trust. I'm not going to ask you to get over it. I'm going to earn it back.
- I'm sorry I forgot. It mattered to you, so it should have mattered to me.
- I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me.
- I've been taking you for granted. I see it now, and I'm sorry.
- I know sorry isn't enough. Tell me what you need and I'll listen.
- I was wrong to hide that from you. You deserve honesty.
- I'm sorry it took me this long to understand how much that hurt.
- I can't undo it. I can do better, starting today.
- You don't have to forgive me yet. I just want you to know I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. I'm going to show you, not just tell you.
When you are the one receiving it
You do not have to say “it's fine” if it isn't. “Thank you for saying that. I need a bit of time” is a complete answer. And if the apology was real, let it count. Refusing every repair attempt is its own problem. More in why couples fight over small things.
Frequently asked questions
What is the most important part of an apology?
Taking responsibility. In research on apologies, saying clearly that it was your fault mattered more than any other element.
Is it okay to apologise by text?
For small things, yes. For anything serious, say it in person or on a call. A text can open the door.
What if I don't think I was wrong?
You can still apologise for your part, such as your tone or your timing, without agreeing with everything.
Fewer apologies are needed when you understand each other better. BloomingPairs gives you both one question a day, free on iPhone and Android →